Disposable Relationships 

We’ve all experienced it!  At times, walking away from a relationship happens for reasons like trust issues, awkward dynamics, lack of reciprocity, life’s unexpected detours or simply personal reasons.  My aim is to prompt the right question and start a discussion surrounding why we dispose of relationships because they are not satisfying someone. 

What if we stoped wasting time on measuring if the glass was half full or half empty in our own lives or in the lives of others and focused on the room we all have for more?  What if we focused on the room we have at our tables for more connection, rather than focus on why we do or do not want others at a table?  

In certain phases of my life, there were instances where people weren't particularly fond of me or my actions. My glass has experienced its share of emptiness, half-fullness, half-emptiness, and occasional spills that soaked the table. There were moments when I questioned if I truly belonged at anyone's table. During those times, I struggled to define myself, grappled with awkwardness, and adopted coping mechanisms that helped me navigate life and relationships, albeit in ways that weren't always healthy.

I can recall moments when I found myself seated at others' tables, occasionally uninvited and sometimes with a formal invitation, only to realize that I clumsily spilled over my glass. It's a relatable experience, a point in our lives where we've all felt awkward and perhaps fell short of meeting others' expectations. Similarly, we've all extended invitations to our own tables, only to find ourselves unsatisfied.

Through it all, I've come to understand that the most cherished moments spent alongside others, gathered around a table, transpire when I deliberately focus on the potential of more—the space that exists for truth, goodness, and beauty to flourish in our lives.

Can we find the right conversation starters?  Engage in meaningful conversations by asking questions that allow others to share their passions, achievements, and positive experiences.  Find questions that help someone to be grounded in truth and wisdom.  Avoid jumping to conclusions about questions and answers prematurely. I often find myself assuming I possess the right answers to questions due to my persistent need to uncover them. However, it's crucial for me to actively focus on allowing the appropriate questions to surface naturally.

Can we listen to others or are we consumed with talking?  When engaging in conversations, make a conscious effort to truly listen to what the other person is saying. By paying attention and showing genuine interest, you'll be more likely to notice their positive qualities and perspectives. Refrain from listening solely to insert your own words. The other person's glass could either be half full or half empty. Embrace the potential for more to fill their glass. What you have to contribute might not necessarily be what fits that space. So, just lend an ear. I often catch myself not truly listening when I'm in problem-solving mode, aiming to fix matters or assert control. It's a conscious effort for me to prioritize attentive listening to the other person.

Can you have empathy for others?  Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This can help you appreciate their actions and motivations, even if you don't agree with everything. Avoid assuming that your personal experience mirrors theirs. Pain, grief, and happiness may be universal emotions, but how they're felt and processed is consistently, without fail, unique yet relatable. I sometimes find myself deeply engrossed in someone else's narrative, resonating with their emotions and recognizing them within myself. But does that make me an empath? It's crucial to remember that I shouldn't shoulder emotions that aren't mine to bear. Those feelings belong to them, shaped by their distinct journey. My task is to empathize without injecting my own perspective.

Can you see the room others have for more in their lives? Make an effort to identify the strengths and talents of others. Everyone has unique abilities, and acknowledging and celebrating these attributes can help you focus on their positive side. Refrain from comparing yourself or seeking self-validation. Recognize your individual strengths as a distinctive gift, and extend the same acknowledgment to others for their unique qualities. During my college days, a friend took me aside and candidly said, "Can't you just share in my happiness?" Absolutely, I can. Ever since, I've discovered immense delight in appreciating the unique treasures within others and encouraging those aspects. When you spot something positive about someone, don't hold back from giving a genuine compliment. This not only boosts their mood but also strengthens your practice of recognizing the goodness in others.

Can we find just one thing to be grateful for in others?  As a general rule there is always one thing in someone’s life we can be grateful for. Regularly reflect on the positive contributions and qualities of the people in your life. Cultivating a sense of gratitude for their presence can help you see their positive aspects more clearly.  

It's important to note that not all friendships need to be deep and profound. There's a place at the table for both casual acquaintances and close friends in our lives. There is always a place to look for the space in others lives for more truth, goodness, and beauty.  

Always bear in mind that ending a relationship is an individual choice, and every scenario carries its distinct characteristics. Establishing healthy boundaries, practicing open communication, and nurturing mutual respect are essential pillars in upholding rewarding and enduring connections. 

Here, I wished to initiate a discussion about disposing with friendships when a sense of fulfillment eludes us, as if friendships hinge solely on one person's contribution. It's perfectly alright if we don't believe we possess the ability to fully engage in others' lives at the moment. What's crucial is to be mindful of the relationships we choose, our current capacity for each relationship, and the balance of what we offer and receive.

Direct your attention toward reciprocity—the ebb and flow within relationships—whenever possible. In my experience, regardless of how I show up to the table, emphasizing the potential for growth in both my glass and the other person's glass consistently leaves me with a feeling of fullness. There’s always, always, room to uncover more truth, goodness, and beauty. Let's start from that vantage point before we entertain the notion of severing ties entirely.

{Remember this is just starting a discussion.  I am NOT a counselor.  If you find yourself in further need of going deeper with anything I have mentioned, seek out a pastor, a counselor, or someone who can direct you further.}