When my kids were younger, they just showed up to the table however they were.  Sometimes crying and dirty.  Sometimes cute and with their stuffed animal or blanket.  Sometimes not so neat, and definitely messy.  Now that they are teens, left without direction, they would most likely show up like Lord of the Flies with their smartphones and distractions.  Sometimes I don’t know how to show up at the table with them, as a solo parent carrying a heavy heart and exhaustion.  Sometimes I don’t know how to show up with friends at a table. Sometimes I am feeling like a kid and I just want someone to make it feel better.  All the time, I know I want to walk away feeling like I belong.  I want to leave the table feeling that my soul and my spirit are full, at peace.  How do we make it feel better when it doesn’t seem like it ever will?  How do we show up with an awareness of ourselves, show up ready to focus on another, and leave feeling as though we encountered truth, goodness, and beauty?

 

There was a time that I showed up to the table, literally and figuratively as a hot mess, not being aware of others.  Simply selfish and self-focused at times.  A good amount of my life I spent just surviving and hoping someone could tell me how to survive.  I would unload my pockets full of jacks, marbles, and pocket fuzz, hoping someone could make sense of what I put on the table. I lacked the emotional maturity and what it takes to show up the way I wanted to.  I lacked an understanding of my place, though at times I could appear to be very confident about what that place was.  Growing up in a toxic dysfunctional home, I stuffed my emotions in, and when my husband died my emotions were on my sleeve. With people I didn't know I could pull it together for a bit and take time to listen.  I did not do that so well with friends or even the closest of friends. I had a learning curve.  Yes, I am still learning how to show up to a table.  

 

 

Vangi, who has functioned like a wise mother voice in my life, said to me the other day, “Ruthless self-editing is always good and something that some people never learn. It's like an opinion - just because I have one doesn't mean it is worth sharing.”  “That’s it”, I thought to myself.  That sums it up so well.  I lacked the ability to self-edit. I lacked the emotional maturity to show up to the table.  There was a time I had no clue where to start.  And when I started to learn, I was a mess and lost a few friendships in the process.  To be honest, I know I frustrate some friends to this day with my learning curve.  Hold on friends, I am indeed learning.  

 

The following are a few pointers I want to share about my process.  I am NOT a counselor.  If anything sits as truth or resonates with you, if you want to work on emotional maturity, my advice is to seek out a professional.  Just use this to start you thinking about how we navigate the emotions we have and how we show up to the table with them, how to connect with others, and how to leave feeling full of truth, goodness, and beauty.  

Struggles, sorrow, and suffering are in everyone’s life at varying levels.  We show up to the table with all these emotions, whether we share them or not. Let us explore what struggles, sorrow and suffering are in simple terms.  

Struggle is for us.  

Perhaps to struggle means facing difficulties or challenges that can be hard to overcome. It's like when you're trying to solve a tough puzzle, learn something new that's a bit tricky, or deal with a problem that makes you feel frustrated. Struggles are like roadblocks that can make things tough, but they also give you a chance to learn, grow, and become stronger as you work through them. Just remember, everyone faces struggles at some point, and it's okay to ask for help or keep trying even when things get tough. Struggles do not have to become an emotional abyss; they can be steppingstones for personal growth. This mindset is a conscious choice.

Sorrow is for us.

Perhaps sorrow is a feeling you might have when something sad or upsetting happens. It's like a heavy feeling in your heart that can make you feel down or teary. Imagine if you lost a favorite toy or if a friend moved away – those situations could make you feel sorrow. It's a natural emotion that shows you care about things and people. When you feel sorrow, it's okay to talk to someone you trust, like a family member or a friend, to help you feel better. Remember, just like happiness and excitement, sorrow is a feeling that comes and goes, and it's important to take care of yourself when you're feeling this way.  Sorrows do not have to become an emotional abyss; sorrow can be a steppingstone for personal growth. This mindset is a conscious choice.

Suffering is for us. 

Perhaps suffering is a very strong and unpleasant feeling that happens when you're going through something really tough or painful. It's like when you're sick and not feeling well, or when something hurts you physically or emotionally. Suffering can make you feel really sad, uncomfortable, or even scared. It's a tough experience, but just like other feelings, it's something that you can get through. It's important to reach out to people you trust if you're suffering, so they can help you feel better and find ways to make the tough situation easier to handle.  Suffering does not have to become an emotional abyss; it can be a stepping stone for personal growth. This mindset is a conscious choice.

Remember that managing emotions during suffering, sorrow, or struggle is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to combine different strategies that work best for you. It's okay to ask for help when you need it and seeking the support of a counselor is a sign of strength, not weakness.

So, how should we share and connect with others at the table to create an atmosphere that gives us life and beauty while still holding onto struggles, sorrow, and suffering? How can we make the most of our time when we are with others at the table?  Sometimes we have these emotions weighing us down, how do we show up at a table with emotional vocabulary, emotional maturity? Does our emotional urgency push others away, or do we refrain from sharing altogether, potentially missing a chance to connect?

I have heard it said that the way we react or respond to our emotions and others, was shaped during our early years. We picked up ways to either engage or distance ourselves from others based on our interactions with the caregivers in our lives. This awareness is valuable; it gives insight into our automatic response and reactions. Whether we like the way this looks or not. However, the good news is that you have the option to decide how you respond. You possess the capacity to develop emotional resilience. Personally, my journey towards emotional maturity began with significant self-parenting, self-nurturing. Initially, I wasn't thrilled about it, but the more I invest in this process, the more satisfied I become with the results.

I believe that being emotionally mature involves balancing openness and self-discipline, which includes knowing when and how much to share with others.

Be self-aware.  Take time to understand your emotions and the reasons behind your desire to share. Are you sharing to seek validation, to connect, or to relieve stress? Being aware of your motivations can help you make more intentional decisions about what and when to share.

Set Boundaries. Establish clear boundaries for yourself regarding what topics are appropriate to discuss with different people and in different settings. Consider your relationship with the person and the context of the conversation.

Think before sharing.  Before opening up, ask yourself if sharing the information is necessary, relevant, and appropriate for the situation.  Consider the impact of your words on both yourself and others.  

Consider the other person. Acknowledge the feelings and comfort level of the person you're speaking to. Respect their boundaries and be mindful of how your words might affect them.

Practice active listening.  Focus on listening to others and showing genuine interest in their experiences. This can create a balanced conversation and prevent the spotlight from being solely on you.

Avoid intense emotions in public.  While it's okay to express emotions, avoid discussing deeply emotional or sensitive topics in public or inappropriate settings. Save these conversations for private, comfortable spaces.

Practice restraint.  It’s important to be selective about the details you share. You can express your feelings without going into excessive detail or providing unnecessary information.

Reflect after conversations.  After sharing, reflect on how the conversation went. Were you comfortable with what you shared? Did the other person seem comfortable? Use these reflections to learn and adjust your approach in the future.

I am going to turn 50 in a few months.  Ask me what I want to do on my 50th birthday?  I want to show up to a table with my dearest of friends, who have stayed by my side for the last few years, I want to tell each one of them I could never have made it to 50 without them.  I want to speak to each one of them about the blessing from God they are in my life. I want to thank each one of them for loving me and allowing me the space to grow up, to find me and find a seat at their tables.  To go from an emotionally set back adult screaming, “Make it better!”, to an adult who enjoys bringing the questions to the table, to an adult who enjoys reminding others to stop and taste how the wine pairs well with the meal.  May we all find our place in truth, goodness, and beauty at the table with others.